Gentleperson's Gourmand: A buffet fit for a Colonel

By: Chris Pellegrini

Posted: 10/30/08

As a culinary columnist for The Stentor, I am Mr. Saturday Night. The glorious weekly occurrence of no Saturday dinner frees us from the taste tyranny of the cafeteria. Beginning this week, I will begin to analyze some of the affordable off-campus dining destinations for Foresters deserted by Aramark.

Weekdays, between 10am and 8pm, Kentucky Fried Chicken offers an unlimited fried feast for the thrifty price of only $7. Upon handing the chicken clerk your cash, diners are presented with two Styrofoam plates - a larger black one, and a smaller white one. The large black plate is intended to house the bulk of the meal; chicken, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and gravy. The white plate is meant for salad. The reason for this division lies in the set-up of the buffet; there is one long buffet containing all of the hot items, and a second shorter buffet that's home to all of the cold offerings. The plethora of items available at the cold food bar is simply astounding. Who knew that Kentucky Fried Chicken served pudding, jell-o, or cole slaw? The hot bar holds KFC classics: mashed potatoes, cooked yams, stuffing, and, of course, pounds of fried chicken. Even Boomer the Bear would find enough food to satisfy his voracious appetite.

Of course, appearances are deceiving in this supposed fast-fried-food utopia. The closest KFC, in Vernon Hills across the street from the mall, recently received a complete facelift. Previously, this establishment oozed the slimy greasy feeling that its food created in its patrons, but the dimly lit back-alley vibe that made KFC match looks and cuisine has been replaced by a friendly and anachronistic 50's remodeling.

The booths now glisten with that new red shine straight from a Norman Rockwell painting of a soda shop. The lights are fluorescent, and you can now see your food almost too clearly. Everyone eating at KFC is at least vaguely aware of the clogged arteries and heart disease that await them, but seeing the food clearly just makes us all aware of something we'd rather just enjoy in blissful denial. The truly bothersome aspect of the atmosphere adopted by KFC emits from the radio speakers above. Pop-emo music poisons the air. The pop-emo's faux sentiments perfectly parallels the newly feigned happiness exuded by the frighteningly upbeat and out of place décor. A fast food restaurant should not play a pop-punk remake of "Time After Time" under any circumstances.

If you've ever eaten at a KFC you know what to expect from the buffet. The chicken is the main event with the mashed potatoes following closely behind. Mashed potatoes from KFC taste as processed as they are. But, cover anything with enough of KFC's delectable gravy and it'll be palatable. The biscuits drip with buttery flavor and taste just like they came straight from the industrial-sized microwave where they were likely born. The more adventurous, or more folksy, eater will enjoy the styling of the home cooked yams and the delightfully crunchy cole slaw, neither of which defies what you'd expect from a fast food factory like LFC.

Perhaps the most unique facet of the buffet is the diversity displayed in the chicken choices available. First comes the modern fast-food equivalent of an existential question: original-recipe or extra-crispy? While the crunch of extra-crispy adds a nice sound, nothing can replace the taste of 11 herbs and spices upon the tongue. Next, your must choose your cut; legs, breast, thigh, or wing? A crazed mob descends each time a new batch of fresh food emerges from the fry-o-lator, the first food to go are always the original recipe wings, and that is the correct choice.

If you love your wallet and hate your body, the KFC buffet is an excellent choice for your Saturday dollars.