The Stentor

President Barak Obama announced that his administration will not extend additional federal loans requested by Lake Forest College's president and board of trustees, a move that will likely drive the institution to liquidate its assets and unwind risky students.

"All I wanted was a little color," cried 18-year-old Mavis Western to the gathered crowd, "but now I'm stuck with this orange mess…forever!" Western, a student at Johnson High and a Chicago native, is the victim of an unsightly and unusual misfortune - a Mytical Tan.

Many students at LFC have experienced surprise, confusion, and, in one case, loss of consciousness as a result of the new mailroom trend of delivering mail in a timely manner. Unlike past years at the College, students have been receiving mail within one to two days of its mailing, thanks to new incentives put into place by Mailroom Supervisor Donald Stanley.

Lake Forest College will be adding another varsity sport, Swimgolf, this next fall. The decision came about last week. "I am very excited," said freshman Putt Dive. "I used to play Swimgolf in high school, and I can't wait to get it going again next year.

To some, Lake Forest College may seem in debt. However, this all changed on Monday morning. A treasure chest containing $1,000,000 in pearls and other fine gems was found at the back of the underused faculty lounge. "This was a great find and will help us not only pay for the half-existing Sports Center, but will also pay off the College's debt to the well-known Chicago mob," said Lake Forest College President Steve Schutt.

Investigation into Lake Forest College's low retention rate has led to a surprising and ironic conclusion-the students heading for the exits after their first year are as swift as those fleeing an aggravated bee hive, an impeding tsunami, or an approaching wildfire.